I write this to all those that have attempted to suppress me. In this lifetime and in all my lifetimes. The age where even I have allowed, by my passivity, my blindness, the suppression of my freedom, my voice, my clarity, my wisdom, my life choices, my LOVE are over. In specific, this message is directed towards the insidious energy of hate that comes from my birth family. The hate that stems from my audacity of believing that my life is my own. My gall of pulling out of relationships with family and friends that required my smallness, my servitude, my silence, my make-believe, my dishonesty, my compromise, my weakness, my ignorance, my powerlessness, my self hate. My smallness held a very special purpose for you. To make you feel big and to keep you from your own pain. To be crystal clear, we are done.
No amount of optics presented to my children can mask your hate, your revulsion of my choice to put my freedom, my children’s freedom above an alliance to you. No amount of presents, good food, a face that looks like their mothers, words from “friends” that attempt to manipulate in Christmas cards can cover up your true feelings. I see right through you. My children see right through you. You believe that your “normal” life of emotional bypassing, gas lighting, masks, duty, patriarchal family loyalty, aggression, domination is the only way, or rather the “right” way. You want my children to see my insanity, my wrongness, to recognize you and your “normal” life to be their only source of salvation. But, as I mentioned, they see right through you. They have read your words of hate, the words that attempt to reach from the screen and around my neck. They have read your words calling their mother a stupid fucking idiot, accusing me of “fucking them up”, they have read your demand of me to just apologize and “get over it”. Apologize for what? For being the most courageous I could have ever been to sacrifice all that kept me “safe” for true love, for freedom? Because my children don’t feel fucked up. They feel held, heard, valued more now than ever before. They have space to exist in their entirety, free of judgment, expectation, free of my ego needs, their father’s ego’s needs being inflicted upon them in our urge to escape our pain. They are free of being manipulated by adults. They are free of needing to BE anything except themselves fully. They finally have a mother who is taking FULLY responsibility for her own dysfunctionality. They get to witness and learn from a mother that is finally, for the first time in her life owning her own power. Watching her slowly learn to give herself, her inner child, the love and acceptance that was always supposed to come from her own heart. They see a mother that is healing from the trauma of her childhood honestly and without blame, a mother that is nurturing them by nurturing herself, that no longer expects them or anyone else to fill her up because she knows the only love she needs is from her own tender heart. They get to experience the exquisite love that spills from out from their mother’s already full heart. And they are learning to love themselves in this same way. This is True Love, this is True Power.
My children see right through you. Don’t you think they can feel the difference between love and hate? They know when they are being manipulated. I asked my children how they felt when they were in your house, my smallest one said that the first thing she thought when she walked in was “am I good enough?”. Any system, even a family system that, on any level, even the subtlest, requires shrinking of Self is abuse. I asked my children another question. I said “when you were in her house, did you feel like you could be you, completely free, in all variations of you-ness, no matter what?” They didn’t even need to think, and chimed in unison NO. They understand what True Love is now you see, True Love is the freedom to be themselves no matter what, unconditionally. My children are not yours to save, I am not yours to save. Love has already saved us. Freedom from subjugation on all levels has already saved us. We are, by definition, untouchable.
Neither me nor my children are objects for your emotional pacification, your avoidance of your own wounds any more. You are not powerful in your hate, you are weak. But you are terrified of that weakness. Terrified of accepting that we are no longer here to carry our part of the family illusion. My pulling out of the dysfunctionality forces you to face your own pain, your own feelings of rejection, of self hate, all stemming from the mother wound. I know your hate has actually nothing to do with me. But you won’t go there because it is to painful and signifies the collapse of all the masks you work so hard to hold up to protect yourself from that pain. The hate you choose to direct towards me instead is a deflection. And I am no longer your receptacle. You cannot use me as a scapegoat to escape your own pain anymore. I will not allow it. This message marks the end of any power you have ever had over me. From a wider perspective, it also marks the end of any system or representative of the patriarchy attempting to dominate to suppress my or my children’s sovereignty ever again. In any life time. It is the end of an era. Can you feel it? Can you feel that the battle is over? We. Are. Done.
On the level of transformation, I am so grateful for all attempts to suppress me, silence me, create compliancy in me. I am so thankful even for the years (I mean lifetimes) I believed in my smallness, my wrongness, my guilt for the urge to be FREE! All of this created the gorgeous context necessary to show me my true power, to show me what True Love actually felt like (unlike anything I have ever experienced in a relationship with another). I thank you. The need for this contrast has burnt out, it’s message integrated. It has served my children and I well.
I hope my words can inspire others to say a final NO to any system, including the family system (one of the most insidious carriers of patriarchal abuse) that attempt to suppress you or your children’s choice to live in freedom, autonomy and sovereignty. It isn’t always easy, but you do not owe your life to anyone but you.