I write about facing emotional pain and the absolute grace that comes from embracing it all and I do just this in many of these articles…face and process emotional pain real time for myself and for you. I believe that every single ounce of suffering we experience as humans is sacred and when met and embraced, it leads us into greater expansion, understanding of ourselves and our capacity to love.
There is this twist in my body, a contraction, a holding of my breath…this urge to fall into Life, be cared for, provided for, supported and this gut wrenching fear that if I let go, if I truly surrender to Life itself, I cease to exist. I want to really look at this because I carry it around with me all day everyday. It used to be nicely hidden in the background, now it is front and center of my mind most moments of the day. And the pain is getting greater.
There is this belief that if I stop controlling (my thoughts, my emotions, my actions), no longer manipulate my world, do nothing, just BE, I will no longer be a “contributor”, no longer have value to the whole, no longer be worthy of the spoils that contributors are, no longer have a reason to stay here. That truly surrendering to Life would mean never getting what I want, never having value, having no power, no control over my circumstances. It would have to mean being ok with whatever life threw at me.
Here I see my lack of belief in myself. I see how I believe more in the power to control than in my inherent power of knowing, inspiration, allowing. Here I see my belief in the power of doing over the power of being, the power of being somebody over the power of being nobody. Here I see my inherent distrust of Life and instead my habitual “trust” of the false power of the mind. When the mind has never created, solved or provided anything for me ever, Life has.
Ahhh….this right here is the realization of sovereignty.
To the mind, in this world, being somebody, having an identity is a requirement for survival. In our relationships, we are “somebody” to others. We believe we have to be “somebody” for God as well. We swim in the ocean of good and bad, putting labels on ourselves and each other and the world, attempting to craft a world with very few “wrongs” and a whole lot of “rights”. The more “rights” we have, the more God will love us and reward us with the life that we think save us. We collect these “rights” in the material world in the form of possessions and labels and roles and in our inner world as beliefs, standpoints, opinions, assumptions, values, morals, ethics, our story of how “right” we are and how “wrong” others are. This is what we wish to show to the world, to God…our righteousness…it is ingrained within us culturally…
Whoever pursues righteousness and love
finds life, prosperity and honor. Proverbs 21:21
But being somebody or our quest to BE SOMEBODY never fulfills us. It never gives us what we are truly searching for…safety, love, approval, belonging because it is always based on compensating for our wrongness!! It is always false. Think about it! It is always a cover of false power even if it isn’t conscious. Most of the time it isn’t! I, like everyone else, have spent my life denying the feelings of wrongness within me, arrogantly standing in my somebody-ness. But they have laid within me, subconsciously impacting all I do, all I think, how I feel, what I see and what I choose. It seems like the fight to BE SOMEBODY is the fight to stay alive, to be “saved” from my inherent wrongness, myy inherent “sin”.
The word ‘sin’ is derived from the Indo-European root ‘es-,’ meaning ‘to be.’ When I discovered this etymology, I intuitively understood that for a [person] trapped in patriarchy, which is the religion of the entire planet, ‘to be’ in the fullest sense is ‘to sin’.”
― Mary Daly
Do we fight to BE SOMEBODY, to do, to manipulate our lives in such a way as to polish our outer exterior to forget, hypnotize ourselves away from our presumed wrongness? Do we wake up everyday in the pusuit to escape our very nature as Life Itself because we subconsciously believe that who we ARE (God) in our simple beingness is to be loathed? Do we hate our aliveness? Do we hate God? Do we hate God for abandoning us?
Ahhhh….I hate myself for having abandoned me. I abandoned me. I abandoned my heart, my wholeness. In my innocence, I believed fully in my fractured, fragmented, good-bad self. And I created an identity (a somebody) to find my way Home. To polish and purify myself so that I could be loved, protected, supported, provided for. So that God would love me.
But I live inside God’s (Love) heart.. As every single aspect of myself comes Home to rest in my heart, this “somebody” dies a little more. More and more this identity I have relied upon for my very survival is seen as having no power at all. She was never meant to take me Home. Being “somebody” dies and is replaced by being NOBODY in this amazing body, in this amazing life. It is this “death” that empties me out, that allows me to effortlessly feel that, as my teacher Ingerid so beautifully says…I am God’s Love in Love with Itself, Unconditionally. The knowing that I am God (and YOU are God) and nothing exists outside God, God is embracing me, floating inside, outside, through me, as me, expressing itself as me, as you!
What is it like to be NOBODY?
It is like being a baby, a child again. Babies and children do not yet posses the mind identity activity and so are effortless ONE with Life itself. Fully immersed in the present moment, the NOW where Life happens in a miriad of ways…there is no labeling of things as good and bad, right or wrong. What is, simply is. It is felt fully, each moment engaged with, committed to, felt fully and released. Life flows effortlessly, carrying this small creature. In order to survive, babies and children need, of course, responsible adults to care for them. As an adult, being NOBODY means understanding that LIFE cares for me in so many ways. From external support, things coming into my life when I need it or internal support, being open to guidance, inspiration, knowing. Being NOBODY means being an empty vessel for Life to come in and “take over”. I am still me. I am still Sigrid, in this body, but instead of trying to steer my life, arrogantly believing that what I think is best for me, I become what Life wants me to be. Surrendered to Life, I become a vehicle for love, joy, truth, beauty, abundance, to move through me and into the world in any way it wishes. Life LOVES ME. Life LOVES us all. Like it has done with me, I think Life will bring us all to our knees, stripping us of our ability to manipulate, control, hide from our Wholeness. Life want us in our entirety! When we surrender to Life, there is no fear. Fear is a construct of the victim, the somebody that is trying to survive. Living surrendered to Life itself, I live in the moment, fully engaged with the NOW where Life is happening. There is no mind activity focused on the future and activity disconnected from the Now, only focused on a future moment in time where I will be “saved”. There is bliss underneath all of it. Being NOBODY doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad sometimes. It means that there is no longer the label of right and wrong, good and bad when I do feel down, depressed, angry, sad, guilty, ashamed. Meaning I don’t BELIEVE in the wrongness of my vulnerability. I just FEEL it ALL. Giving myself permission to feel it all, drops me into the most compassionate state of JOY imaginable. And this is Home, this is God, this is True Love right in my own heart. This is true Sovereignty and is pure deliciousness.
So when I feel this twist in my body, this contraction, this holding of my breath, I remember that there is nothing to fear, it is not a truth teller, but a message bringer. Here to tell me there is a part of me, the ancient “somebody” needing to be held, given space to without judgment and without belief. A reminder that I am safe to love myself unconditionally and the truth that that Love (God) has never left me.
photo: my daughter by the ocean