We, moms today, seem to be in a constant state of polishing this thing called motherhood until it gleams. We are so busy and concerned about everything related to motherhood, our houses, ourselves, our partners, our activities and our children and their activities to LOOK a certain way in order to fulfill a certain need, desire, feeling in us. But wait…that sounds a bit selfish. I mean, none of us start out as a mom, looking to fulfill our own needs, we don’t intend to make it all about us. We do all of these things FOR OUR KIDS right? So that they can be successful, be beautiful, be liked, be talented, to be happy, to thrive, right?
And yet, if you peel this back a bit and really look at it, our striving is more about us rather than our children, can you see this? Please…keep reading. This is not because we are ego-maniacs but because we know of no other way to succeed as moms. Our society teaches us certain values for success, these are ingrained, conditioned within us. These values are based on the patriarchy that we live in and are such things as outward recognition, competition, focus on doing, productivity, intellectualization (over-thinking), tension, fear, struggle, lack, failure, rejection, judgement. All of these values influence our definition of success. They started out defining our success before we had kids, in school then in the workplace, but as we grow in our role as mother, we begin to slowly see that measuring success as a mom or dad from these criteria disconnects us from our kids, disconnects us from what parenting is really about and maybe most critically, disconnects us from our best selves.
Because isn’t parenting is REALLY about serving our children’s highest good? When I say serving, that does not mean waiting on them hand and foot. It means taking the ME, the perpetual focus of motherhood on YOUR experience and shifting it to your kids. Getting curious about them, seeing them, making time for connection, stillness. It is about supporting them physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. It is also about being what I call the Loving Leader, which means guiding our children through the rough terrain of growing up with structure, clarity, strength but never abandoning love.
Over-thinking and the preoccupation with how motherhood looks, with perfection, I believe, comes from the fact that we are stuck in our definition of what success as a mother means. Recently I asked a group of over 100 moms what the most important thing about motherhood was to them. By far, the most popular answer was to raise happy and thriving kids. The frustration we feel as mothers is a sort of unconscious panic. We know on some level that the urge for perfection the striving for external success as a mom is not really cutting it, that it isn’t THAT that is going to fill our children’s hearts and minds with confidence, self-esteem, love for self, to set them up to tackle the world. But that is all we’ve got to go on!
It is time to ask ourselves if we don’t need a new set of criteria to succeed at that sacred and vital goal of shepherding our children into a happy and thriving life. Because what we are doing now is not the WHOLE picture and it is NOT working. Look at the scary reality of our preoccupation with the external as a measure of our success, our identity and how it is causing major problems for our children. Please listen to Meghan Ramsey’s TedTalk on Why Thinking You Are Ugly is Bad for You.
It is my life’s work to awaken women to this new skill set. And yet, calling it a skill set is not really right. Who we are fully, the entire potential of us as mothers, as individuals has always been with us, only hidden from view. It is like if you look up at the sky at night for the first time and see the moon in its crescent moon shape and then from then on out you just assume that the moon is in that shape without realizing, without being interested in the TRUTH of the moon’s shape, its fullness, it’s wholeness.
We need to look at the FULL moon!! Because of our conditioned ideas about who we are, what we are capable of, where success comes from, we have cut ourselves off from our full moon state. As fully, whole, conscious and SUCCESSFUL beings we value and have access to not just the masculine parts of ourselves in the DOINGS of life, but the feminine energies and parts of ourselves as well, the BEING. Parts of ourselves like our intuition, introspection, creativity, relaxation, mindfulness of action, intention, love, consciousness, knowing, acceptance, peace, mistakes as learning, living in the moment, stillness. Those are aspects of all of us and yet, by societies standards relatively meaningless.
We are missing out on filling our children with what they so vitally need, love and connection by our preoccupation on the doings, the strivings of life as a “perfect” mom. This is an amazing video by Dan Siegel looking at the science of being vs. doing and WHY we must begin to value BEING with our children more than our constant urge to do.
So what can you DO about it (Ha! Yes…life is a paradox…)? To help explore this topic and to give you some practical insight and advice, I want to invite you to join me and my 3 guests for an event on Thursday the 20th of November at 3:00pm EST where we will be exploring how patriarchal values and norms limit our attitude, confidence and ability as a parent and how a greater understanding in our own evolving human consciousness is expanding our strength and insight and enabling us to show up as the best version of ourselves in our families. We will talk about what the Conscious Parenting movement actually means on a practical level and specifically how parenting from a heightened space of consciousness makes parenting easier.
Click here for more information, to get your ticket and receive the call in info! PLEASE SHARE with your friends!
Everything you need to thrive as a mother, to feel proud as a mother and to help support your children growing into happy and thriving adults is ALREADY within you!!! You don’t need to learn anything, you just need to uncover a deeper side of yourself. This I teach and explore in my upcoming book, Mommy Makes the Weather, to be released in 2015. Stay tuned for more updates!
To your success!!!