I have had some stuff bothering me lately. When that happens, I write, I coach myself. I did that this morning and had some monumental shifts in perspective that I thought you all would enjoy as well. Thank you for reading my rant – am laying all of me, my heart and soul out here for you to read and hope some of you can relate and find inspiration you need.
I am so shocked – shocked that I have been living so deluded for so many years! I used to tell myself and even say it to others that what people thought about me didn’t matter – I was full and strong in myself and didn’t need anyone to confirm that. But now, in this moment and for quite a few moments in the last few months, I find myself caring and suffering because of it.
I guess I should be clear about what I seem to really care about. I do not care about what people whom I don’t know think or feel about me. I don’t have an urge to please people. What I seem to care about is what the people I have relationships (even slightly) think of me.
So, what is that about Sigrid? Why do you care so much?
I think the biggest reason, perhaps the root reason is that a couple of the relationships in my life these days are misaligned ones – matches not made in heaven, with either no connection or no chemistry or no empathy. Perhaps we have come together because we happen to be in the same place at the same time. Yet, for some reason, I have placed an expectation of alignment, of love on all of these relationships. I think this has to do with the fact I don’t know any better. Most, if not all of my past relationships, (including ex-boyfriends) have been aligned, healthy, happy, fun ones. I feel like a fish out of water, totally ill equipped to deal with the emotional conditions I find myself in.
How do I stop my internal suffering and pull myself back into alignment, back into a focus on my awesomeness and on being ok with a lack of connection, with a lack of love and understand that these “lacks” that may exist in a relationship has nothing to do with WHO I REALLY AM….
And so, who am I REALLY?
I am love, I am a champagne bottle bursting with love for life and for my fellow humans! I give it away freely to everyone I meet. But, what I see happening is that this can either trigger the same in others (and so often does to my great joy!) or it can not…I don’t know why that is and I am not going to attempt to understand. But I am wise enought to understand that it has nothing to do with me.
When I meet or interact or even try to have a fun relationship with someone that doesn’t see me, or receive me in the way I have intended, it hurts. It hurts badly. And I end up giving my soul away, I let go of me, I hand myself over and am left empty.
I will not give myself away like that anymore. Final. That “me-ness” is too important – to my JOY and WELL-BEING and the joy and well-being of those who matter.
OK!! HUGE REALIZATION happening in my little head….
I see so clearly right in this moment that by handing “ME” over to the “haters”, the people who simply don’t care about me – I am saying that they are more important than me, my state of mind and more important than those that truly love me. That is INSANE logic!!!
And another a-ha! Not all relationships are supposed to feel good, but maybe all of them are meant to serve as a mirror back to me?
So this is going to be easy…it is not even debatable who wins this struggle….not a struggle anymore!
There is nothing in the world that can compare to the feelings of SHINING – the feeling of lightness, of love of peace that fill me up to the rim. I never need a reason to feel this way, through the years I have cultivated this way of living as my default, my standard. I am also so CONVINCED that I may do stuff wrong everyday as a parent, but if I can PROTECT that shine of mine, consciously have a relationship to it – a best friendship…keeping it close, keeping it alive, then that is undoubtedly the BEST gift I can give to my children. When I am gone, I want my children to remember me as being happy, not perfect.
My shine is a gift to the world. I believe that ALL of us have our own version of shiny selves – each one with a purpose, a gift for our families and for the world at large.
Mommy Mantra: From this day forward, I will PROTECT my shine as it is my gift to the world and my duty and purpose to bestow this gift onto myself, my loved ones and the people I meet everyday and those I impact with my work.
p.s. Wow…I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am left with this ability to connect with ” me” in a new exciting way. Off into the world to go practice!