So right off the bat I have to say, I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about. I have nothing to teach you, show you, nothing that I have overcome that you can learn from. Or maybe I do, I don’t know. And I don’t care. My agenda is not to help you, but to help me. Or maybe I do want to help you, but helping you is really about helping me. I don’t know that either. This post is emotionally explorative and is meant to take me deeper into a feeling I have been avoiding. I write this for myself. If you are reading this and resonate deeply with it, then I write this for you as well.
Not exactly a flowery invitation to keep reading, but I love that you are here with me, reading this.
I am terrified of not being powerful, of not having control over my life. Of not knowing, of not feeling safe, of the unexpected, unpredicted, unwanted. I am scared of chaos. I am terrified of Life itself. I am scared of ME.
I know that my mind has never solved anything for me, never protected me from anything, never made love appear, was never creative. It has only ever separated me from Life, from trust, from love, from oneness, from my wisdom and my power. And yet I am fucking addicted to it. I cling to my mind and it’s activity, its habits, its noise like a baby clings to the breast of it’s mother. FOR DEAR LIFE.
Embracing my mind activity, in it’s fullness, all its wounds and co-dependencies, falling into a sort of trust of the unknown beyond the mind, which is Life Itself feels like a kind of delicious insanity. A panic of chaos really….and I fear that! But what is that I really fear? It is the feeling of having nothing left to “save” me, nothing left I can cling to or manipulate that can serve to define me as GOOD, as RIGHT? I need this GOOD and RIGHT me to show to the world how amazing I am. To save me from the feelings of being nothing, no one, worthless, a waste of space that I avoid feeling at all cost.
Swimming around is self pity has lost its appeal however. I have come to a place where I realize that feeling sorry for myself is perpetuating the resistance to feeling the core of self hate, keeping me a victim of the stories in my mind. What is coming now…? Something new…. Wait…is self hate only here, only something I have identified with because I am afraid of being utterly transparent? Does it not come from clinging to my masks? Isn’t self hate really the constant disconnect between what I want to show the world, what I need the world to believe about me and how I really feel about myself on the inside? What would happen to self hate if I had nothing to hide to myself or to others? What would happen to self hate then?
What if I told the world everything I was hiding? Right now. Can I offer up to the world every little dark secret I have about myself and my feelings of powerlessness for people to read, judge, resonate with, whatever they feel inspired to do? Yes I can. I write this to face where I am not loving myself fully and to set myself free of everything my mind does not want you to know, everything I run from knowing, to keep me “safe”. I don’t want the kind of safety my mind is selling.
I am ashamed of my body, terrified of people seeing how ugly I feel. Utterly mortified that people even smile at me, confused at the open, gorgeous smiles of strangers. How could they look at me and not recoil!?! I cannot use my body to manipulate the world anymore and it terrifies me. But do I not see the disconnect? Do I not see the warmth, the joy, the love in people’s faces when they look at me? What does that mirror if not beauty? Is it not the death of owing society a standard beauty ideal and the release of all contracts of beauty that is happening here? Could I be giving birth to my True Beauty of unconditionally loving me?
I often stand in judgement of others, especially spiritual people. I need to feel better than them. I use the innocence, the purity of my own awakening as fodder to feel superior. Who am I without my spiritual narcissism? Who am I without the label of an “enlightened” one or one on a higher spiritual path? If I cannot use my spiritual narcissism to feel powerful anymore, then who am I? Could I have no role, no purpose, no agenda in my awakening except to come fully alive in love and compassion for myself and others? Could I be setting everyone free from my requirement of the world to prove my worth to me? Is this what just BEING feels like? Could it also be showing me radical acceptance and non-judgement of others, understanding their unique path has nothing to do with me? That feels like love…
I am terrified of people with dominating energies. In the presence of such people, I shrink back into the 3 year old version of myself. Overwhelmed, powerless, afraid, defeated, nothing. My sensitivities, my empathic nature is seen as a weakness and I hate this weakness. But what if my sensitivities are my greatest strength, my most precious gift and that this hate for this gorgeous part of me was just me soaking in the self hate of others, those that have the need to dominate do not love themselves. Could my hate really be love for me, for them? Could this be an opportunity to finally FEEL myself, OWN myself, my feelings, understand myself and others on an energetic level? And again, just be…
I am afraid of my children. Afraid of their BIG emotions, afraid of setting boundaries that challenge them, but really challenge me. The entire experience of having children reverts me back into the powerlessness of my childhood. I feel frozen, unsafe, confused, stuck and alone. But I don’t know what to do! I have exhausted that route! My mind cannot fix them or my family anymore. I cannot manipulate. I am being forced to allow IT ALL. From a RAW honesty about how I feel, a radical acceptance for all that my children feel, there is peace and JOY even in the midst of chaos. From there I am led in action or not. All in the service of the moment. In service of my children, myself and our highest good which is always LOVE.
I want to hide behind people. Especially my husband, now ex-husband. Even though we are separated, I yearn to have him to hide behind. I don’t believe in myself and my ability to thrive on my own. I believe most people are more powerful, more capable than I am. But I AM on my own, thriving. I have chosen this life, to be unprotected. And I am kicking it. I have released lifetimes of patriarchal habitual servitude and even though it is scary, I AM OPEN and yearning to step into the power that comes from NOT NEEDING TO BE PROTECTED, knowing there is no threat! I am all there is!
I am terrified of spending money. Believing that money has the power to keep me safe, protected. Spending money puts me into direct contact with the feelings of NOT being safe! But it isn’t about the money. It is about my need to escape the mundane, escape the ordinary. Trusting Life to provide for me implies that there is nothing for me to do, to fix, to manipulate, to worry about, no problem to solve, nothing to overcome, nothing to become, no better day, no better moment, no better feeling, no better life. Just here. Now. An absurdly huge openness to what is. Even if it is ugly, scary, threatening, even if it feels like nothing, empty, meaningless. My fear of money is one of the most significant fears of my life. Not only does it introduce me, by it’s embrace, to the fearlessness of BEING LIFE ITSELF but with each embrace of the fear, it is eradicating the addiction for drama, mental and physical drama, which my mind FEEDS on to stay alive.
In all these ways, and probably more I am not even aware of, but am wildly open to seeing, I am constantly trying to run from this feeling of powerlessness, this lack of belief in myself, this disconnect between the rising feelings of sovereignty, clarity, love and true power and wisdom I feel and the pulseless reality of my victimized, wounded inner world.
I will run no more. Each one of these secrets I shared with you are secrets no more. Not only are they OUT THERE in the big wide world but the TRUTH that each of them come packed with is irrefutable at this point. The shit is not subconscious anymore! How many times is the Truth going to slap me in the face or the pain comes rising up around my neck before is say OK, TAKE ME! Powerlessness is self judgement and comes from the belief that what I am feeling, believing, thinking is wrong somehow. Embracing my powerlessness is THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO. Because I disappear somehow. But is the only thing I want to do! It is like all my life I have been trying to read a book only cracked a tiny bit so I only see half the sentence. This is how I have lived my life, half whole. Afraid of opening that book WIDE and absorbing the entire story! All of these aspects of me are a part of my sensory experience of being a human. A gorgeous divine human SENSING being. Sensing feels more like me than thinking! These aspects of me are not here to define me, to limit me, to destroy me, to overwhelm me, to dominate me, although they can do that too! They are here to show me the way into my own heart, to teach me about compassion and TRUTH and to show me all about the beauty of FEELING, of sensing IT ALL. What a trip!! What if I begin to see my thoughts and feelings not as truth tellers or definers of identity, but as a sense. Just like hearing, smelling, tasting…a way to navigate the world as a fully sensory human being. When my thoughts and feelings are hijacked by my mind, and I close down to that, I loose the opportunity to FEEL them fully and to extract the message, the guidance and the Truth of what they are here to tell me. But even that isn’t wrong Siggi! I wanted to read the book only half open! How could I have know the joy of wholeness if not? There is NOTHING like waking up to that liberation. Thank you powerlessness. Thank you self hate. Thank you for reading.