There is this part of me, I call the “striver”…it is part CEO of a multinational corporation, part worried grandmother and part scared child. The striver is the voice of my ego, the false self that has the sole purpose of keeping me alive and loved, it thinks… It’s intention is good, rooted in my soul’s path for freedom, to come HOME to itself, but is misguided, misinformed and afraid. It’s job in essence is to hold up all of my false images, the masks that I have created that I have, up to now, believed would ensure me both success and love in life.
This part of me has functioned more or less under the radar, until now. It has influenced my thoughts, words and actions almost on autopilot. Today is when she is fully exposed, brought out into the light and LOVED. This embrace is in honor of my wholeness, my true, divine Self who is the real source of power and who is ready, very ready to return to her rightful place as leader of my life.
In honor of this embrace, this coming home, I am calling myself out…all of the ways I have lived as a FRAUD…trying to uphold these images, these masks. Not that these ideals in my life are not important, and not that I sometimes actually do live up to them, but I want to expose my attachment to them…right here, right now, naked, for you as my witness. I serve this up as almost a ceremonial purging. Purging the belief that if I don’t live up to these ideals then I will not be loved.
The images that I unconsciously thought were vital to uphold but only serve to stifle me from my natural FREEDOM, my own authentic voice, my own true, divine life are:
- The image as the perfectly loving mother…raising my children fully consciously, awake, always loving, always accommodating, understanding, always knowing what to do, when to do it, how to do it, always appearing as if I have my shit together, both to others and to them.
- The image as the successful spiritual teacher and entrepreneur…effortlessly changing the world, one mother at a time and the expectation that I first must live a perfect life before I can help others.
- The image of the happy, joyful wife in service of her husband…the “what can I do to make you feel better”, people-pleasing trap that takes him away from his own process and me from mine.
- The dutiful daughter, sister and friend…always being what others need me to be even when it compromises me, what I want and need.
- The enlightened one…”I better get this spirituality thing right or people will think I am a flake”
- The image of the aesthetically pleasing woman…the perfect home, nice clothes and other nice crap, cute look. The image of seeking approval, belonging to a flock in order to make me feel safe.
- The image of the mom with well behaved kids…God forbid my children act crazy or act like kids…scream, curse, hit each other in public. I better look like I have my kids under control and not the other way around.
- The image of affluence…this mask is more like not looking poor instead of a need to come off as wealthy. The fear of looking needy, not able to afford what others can afford…the mask of falseness and superficiality.
- The image of the happy, joyful, friendly, positive woman…being THAT for the world so that the world loves me, so that I literally don’t die alone.
These masks all have good intentions, intentions based on an idea of love but inhibit the FLOW of life. When I take away attachment to them, I take away their power. I take away a mind engagement, a stress factor, a living in the future momentum, a disappointment in myself, guilt, a complete disconnection from love, wisdom and power, a leaking of my integrity, my voice, my will, where I then live putting OTHERS OPINIONS, NEEDS AND DESIRES over my own. Many people reading this will think that sounds selfish. “How dare I put my needs AND WANTS in front of other people!”, but besides my children, if someone actually, truly believes it is love for me to compromise myself, my integrity, my voice, my independence, my space in a relationship, those people do not know what true love is and people I am not interested spending time with. We have collectively been taught to believe that serving others needs over our own is what love is. I want to surround myself with people that put themselves FIRST and me second! What joy to be around others that CHOOSE to be around me not because I fill some sort of purpose for them but because of the simplicity of the freedom, the joy, the love that comes forth from both of us and the feeling of that PLAYING in space and time!!
What takes the place then of a life based on attachment? Well, I don’t really know yet, I am just FEELING my way forth here, exploring this, but what it feels like right now is a life lived in the moment, a life lived authentically, where thought, words and actions are inspired by a TRUTH within ME, where yes’s are true yes’s and no’s are true no’s, where deadness is replaced by freshness, newness, inspiration, enthusiasm, playfulness. What I offer then my family, friends and frigging strangers is LOVE. A love that comes from my Truest Self. A love that expects nothing, that rejoices in the simplicity of being. A love for myself that expands out into the world and includes others! A love that is soft and receptive, gently and kind when it needs to be, when the moment calls for it, and strong, commanding or even silent when that is right. This is FREEDOM where my voice becomes my purpose where the light and love of the Divine fills my body and projected OUT, where my mind is quiet, where the moment becomes exquisite where my senses are alive and on fire. Where honesty is my policy both for myself and with others and were I MATTER. A life free of attachment is a life where I get to LOVE ME FIRST. Fucking finally….and I start with loving this striving me, she is tired and needs a hug.