Truth, honesty, transparency…those are not things I could say I was ever good at. Wait, no…these were not ways of life for me at all. Unfamiliar territory to be honest. It isn’t like I walked around telling lies consciously, but unconsciously I was a scared, weak liar both to myself and to others.
We lie. Our entire society is built on illusions, falsities, untruths. When I started to look inside myself, the extent to how deep this ran in my life was shocking. But the untruths, the believing and the telling of lies, were only the surface result of LIVING a lie. Believing that I was someone, or the striving to become someone that was acceptable, approvable, loved, celebrated, seen. The subconscious constant urge to belong to the group, the whole, the collective and the subtle belief that I wasn’t good enough were all fueled by the belief that said “you have nothing to offer, you do not deserve to be loved”. I have spent my life in unconscious denial, rejection of that inherent belief inside of me. It was too painful to bear. But when I saw it, when it finally came home, I cannot express to you the pain and sorrow that flooded to the surface. The grief that had been hidden perhaps for lifetimes took my breathe away. I had, from an early age, adopted a false identity comprised of masks that helped me bypass facing that belief, masks that packed me into an illusionary comfort zone that attempted to guarantee me that which I craved…love. I learned to smile, be joyful, to strive to be something specific for others so that they wouldn’t be confronted with my “nothingness” and reject me. So my life, all my choices, all my relationships were built on this lie. This lie that I am nothing.
But this belief was never mine. It was passed down from generation to generation and never questioned. An impersonal lie that is familiar to many, it permeates our society, especially in women. The first steps towards living a life of true authenticity then was to see it and feel it FULLY and then to question this belief…over and over again. Was it true that I was nothing, that I have nothing to offer the world and therefore did not deserve love? Oh my God, NO. The asking of that question was so profound and, like a atom bomb, began dissolving the entire structure of my false self. Every day, I continue to allow layer upon layer of images, masks, expectations, assumptions, stories, beliefs to been revealed, allowed and to collapse. Who I was, I began to see, beyond the “story” of who I was or where I came from, was non-physical, infinite, still, beyond all labels, one with Life itself.
The Truth of my magnificence is exposed now. It is coursing through my veins, swimming in my mind, It has taken over and somehow grows in brightness each day. There is a power and a clarity that is unparalleled in me, but I only see now, has been here since birth. For the first time in my life I am living by my terms. From my wants, my desires, my Truth.
Speaking my Truth to others from this place of sovereignty has not been easy. My relationships have been ladened with so much duty and expectation on both sides and no freedom – no fresh air, no peace, no relaxation, no spontaneity, no fun, no space to BE on either side. That seems to be the nature of “relationship” for all of us. But, I have demanded so much from people in my life!!! I required people to constantly confirm that I was indeed SOMETHING! I used people and what they could or were “required” to give me as a way to never have to face the deep belief of being nothing. And every single person I have know have required the same from me. I have realized that I have never spent ONE MOMENT of my life with me as the main character of my life. My mind has been constantly filled with my own inadequacy (lack) and how to feed on others in order to quiet the pain.
Owning my own power and then speaking my truth meant that I have had to face the rage in others that still need the masks, that still require me to fulfill some sort of egoic service in their life. When anyone moves out of the conditioned self, the collective system, the egoic reaction is always rage, confusion, fear. Because it triggers the deep suppressed “I am nothing” beliefs in others. We require each other to do their job in covering up the truth for us! It feels like people will go to great lengths to pull an emerging soul back into the “safe” and the “familiar”.
But I am never going back to deadness. That life built on fear. I have seen who I AM. I was so afraid of Freedom, of the unknown, of letting go of my agenda to be loved, to falling into the unknown, to claiming my God Self. I clung to it all because the idea of my GRANDNESS was so frightening. I could not imagine letting go of my small self ~ it was the only avenue for “love” I had ever known. But I see now, I have never even tasted True Love. True Love isn’t something I could secure from other people, from conditions, from my environment, from my successes, from what my life “looked like”. It is the very nature of my being, of the air I breathe. Releasing life and everyone in it of my need to BE SOMETHING for me is the most radical act of True Love for myself and others I could ever endeavor and is the entire purpose of my life. To BE the Love that I AM. To grant everyone the same Freedom that I choose for myself. Speaking my Truth, to be honest with others about how I feel is claiming my power back and setting others free.
People believe that when I speak the Truth, what is TRUE FOR ME that I am blaming them, that I am angry or bitter or “crazy”. How long have I played the game, held on to my honesty because I knew that the truth would hurt others? I read a quote recently that said “You are afraid to tell people how you feel because it will destroy them, so you bury it deep inside yourself where it destroys you.” I cannot live another second compromising my very life force because I am afraid of hurting other people. I am not responsible for how other people feel. I am not causing them pain! I speak what is REAL for me. If they instead of LISTENING, choose to continue the illusion, to force the masks, believing that I owe them something, a duty somehow, that is their choice. But to believe that anyone is responsible for another person’s happiness is sickness. It is the essence of co-dependency and has nothing to do with love. Setting other people free is like giving them a chance to look deep within themselves too, to face the beliefs they hold secret, that they have used me and life to cover up. Removing myself as a mask in another person’s life is a gift. If you are willing to see, it makes space for the beginnings of liberation and freedom to rise into consciousness.
My daughter looked at me the other day while we were out on a walk and out of the blue said “I love you so much mom…” And I asked her why. There was depth in her words and I knew they had a message for me. She said “you are so courageous for leaving the old.” She is also experiencing the freshness of what is real and True. But, it doesn’t actually feel like courage. Courage implies a choice. FREEDOM is a yearning, a pull, a force that is not of my choosing. But if there is courage in this it is the courage in daring to feel pain and staying with it. Knowing that the pain is not intended to DEFINE me or even stick around that long, but it is like a boat taking me from one island to another. Leaving the dead island and taking me to paradise. Pain and our capacity to hold it without judgement is that vessel of liberation.
Truth. Living Truth for me and for my family is about no longer compromising my life for the voice of fear in myself and in others. It is FREEDOM. This life lead in Freedom models to my children that our emotions are not here to crush us, to destroy us, that pain is a catalyst, that the world will want you to BE SOMETHING that often compromises your authenticity and that compromise will hurt you. My children will live lives so unified with Truth, so aligned with their own power and wisdom moment to moment, that they will be unafraid of speaking their truth (they are that now!). They know that their Truth is their RIGHT. They will clearly recognize that people pleasing is a non-issue NO MATTER WHAT. They will know that they are not responsible for the happiness and well being of others. That they use their bodies, there senses, their wisdom to guide them in situations where a compromise of that Truth is being asked of them and have the clarity and strength to say NO. They will have learned how to grant the world and everyone in it the freedom to be just as it is. Allowing people to think exactly what they want about them, recognizing the immense untethered joy that not requiring anything from anyone allows. And they will experience that their LOVE for themselves, their joy in BEING, their FREEDOM and spontaneity will touch others and inspire others, igniting a life lead by Truth and LOVE into the hearts and minds of the world.
Is it not time to stop holding other people prisoner for your need to hide, to not to FEEL FULLY? Set yourself and others free. Even if that Freedom scares you, you cannot begin to imagine the bliss. Freedom is who you are! I am just beginning to taste the magic and it is beyond words. It is this radical self love that will set the world FREE.