So I woke up this morning, really just like I have every other morning for quite a long time. Just this sort of “ho-hum here we go again” kind of feeling. Depressed? Maybe a little. There is never a “reason” for the sadness. My life is full of so much joy, but this sadness seems to be just under the surface maybe always. But instead of just escaping it or pushing it under the rug as I have done for years, I want to look at it. Really study what that is about, what is it saying, what part of me needs to come Home, what part of me have I not loved yet?
I will start by looking at how it feels.
Heavy. Gloomy. Not black, but grey. It feels hopeless, powerless. It feels like I am awakening to a prison cell, the same prison cell I have awoken to for decades. It feels old, maybe even lifetimes old. It feels sad, void of color, listless. It is almost as if I have been beaten down. Almost like the feeling of collective female oppression…It feels like the feeling of someone who has attempted and attempted and failed over and over. It feels exhausted. Exhausted but not yet fully accepting of its defeat.
The first thing that comes up from this is that this is the feeling of my “somebody” dying. I wrote about being somebody and being nobody in my last blog post. You can read it here. It feels like maybe in the morning when my mind is more quiet, I can better feel the resting state of my psyche. The habit of my mind, the subconscious beliefs, the subtle angst that runs under the surface at all times. This is beautiful. It is like my mind is facing the truth of its lack of power over my life and is depressed about it! My mind is facing its own powerlessness…
But back to the feeling….What I can see is that I judge this sadness, this sorrow, this feeling of dis-empowerment I wake up, feel this consciously or not and BELIEVE IN IT. I walk into my day judging myself for feeling bad, for feeling sad. I believe I am dis-empowered, because I believe I am my mind! I believe that I am wrong, bad just for feeling sad, just for feeling hopeless, just for having forgotten who I am, forgotten to believe in me, forgotten true power, true love.
I go out into my day and continue to judge myself. Subtly, under the radar, self loathing simmers. The identity of being a victim stems from this. Where life is a threat. Each moment is a threat somehow.
This destructive pattern stops now. By allowing that sadness to just be, not judging myself for it, but loving it, embracing it just as it is right now or the moment I wake up, in the quiet of the morning, I heal the victim mindset, fear dissolves. I want to feel this…
I sit now in stillness and breathe and welcome in this heavy, old sadness.
Such compassion flows in!! It is like total understanding is here. An understanding that says…”You have tried it all. You have worked so hard for so long attempting to be something, be somebody, to exist in this world as a special person. You can come to the end of this now. You see nothing works. You were meant to fail in so many ways, in all the ways that matter! You were meant to see that all of your work, your doing to BE this special person makes no difference, does not add to you in anyway, only limits your ability to love and to know who you truly are. Because you are NOTHING AND you are EVERYTHING!”
Feelings of not-enough-ness came in now…allowing this wave with no judgement…
Not enough for what? For whom? I have to just laugh!! HA!! Who am I not enough for and how am I not enough?!?! Collapse. The collapse within me of the structure or the conditions for belonging, safety and identity I was taught through a myriad of ways since birth. Enoughness only exists in a system of good and bad. I am no longer part of that system.
I AM ALIVE. I breathe, I can feel the life energy vibrating within me, in my face, my arms, legs, I can feel my fingers touching the keyboard transcribing my thoughts onto this page. I EXIST!! There is no issue of worth, of wrongness or rightness, even of saftey. They all fall away. The mind and its attempt to define me as a limited being is held and loved. It is all allowed. No more fighting with myself. No more trying to stay alive in the mind. The sadness comes Home. The inner child who believed for so long that the self hate of others was her own. Who adopted the limited beliefs of the world she saw and absorbed everyday. What a bizarre misunderstanding!! My sadness was never meant to define me, but to liberate me. I misunderstood the whole thing. I misunderstood life, my mind, the world. I thought that emotions and thoughts were truth tellers. So I believed it all. When all they were were aspects of me that were asking to be held, loved unconditionally. Instead I judged them. Everything negative I judged instead of loved. All of the judged and belived thoughts and emotions got stored in my mind where they marinated and created this “story” of me as a victim, of a world that was threatening. Fear was the byproduct and colored everything I saw and experienced. Every aspect of my life was processed through this funnel of victim-hood. Everything fed it, confirmed it, made it stronger. I never investigated. I took it all for granted as the TRUTH of who I was, the nature and quality of my life, of reality.
Oh my God, just a little allowing, just a little curiosity, just a little opening and it all falls apart!
There is nothing to fear because I am not a victim nor have I ever been one. There is nothing to fear because the only threat is my own mind and it has no power. There is nothing to fear because sadness has come home. There is nothing to fear because nothing I am is wrong. There is nothing to fear because “enough-ness” isn’t even a thing. There is nothing to fear because I no longer fear fear, I love it all. There is nothing to fear because I AM LOVE, I AM INFINITE, I AM LIFE ITSELF, everything included.
It is ok that the sadness still greets me as I wake in the morning. She can be with me for as long as she likes. But instead of feeling bad that I feel sad, I vow to greet her with love in the morning. HELLO SADNESS! I can’t wait to embrace her and BE WITH her during my morning shower while the house is still quiet. I may even get up a bit earlier just to greet her in bed. Embracing her and starting my day with radical love for me. YES! I will do just that. I will wake and journal in the morning, and welcome her for as long as she chooses to greet me in the morning.
I want to experiment with this actually, to really embody this. I want to see what happens to fear when this sadness is embraced every morning. I know intellectually what will happen, as I wrote about it here, but I want to experience it not just right here for a moment, I want to feel it, I want to see the link between embracing this feeling in the morning and the dissolving of the victim mentality. I want to die to my victim identity. I will record my experiences everyday and post an update in a month or so…
I write about facing emotional pain and the absolute grace that comes from embracing it all and I do just this in many of these articles…face and process emotional pain real time for myself and for you. I believe that every single ounce of suffering we experience as humans is sacred and when met and embraced, it leads us into greater expansion, understanding of ourselves and our capacity to love.
photo: Ruby, my dog, is most relaxed when I sit down next to her to discover who I truly am.