I do not write what I write here to teach you anything. I don’t write because I think I know more than you. I write because I am urged to write about my truth and the life experiences that are showing me this truth.
This journey of living so outrageously authentic is radically changing my life and the life of my husband, Gunnar, and our children. It is my belief that it is because of just this work, just this journey that the four of us came together in this life. I will write more about the impact of our transformation on our children in a future blog post. But my husband and I are going through a conscious, active journey, a purification process, in truth. A purification process that implies a clearing out of who we are not, in order to remember, to come back to who we truly ARE. This journey assumes that there is something “in the way” of our true sight, of remembering who are truly are at a core level. This fog or veil isn’t wrong or bad, it is just a thin veil that blinds us from our True Selves for a time (lifetimes perhaps), but is in no way a real or permanent block when you have gotten to the place so many people are getting to in this time of global conscious transformation – a true commitment to FREEDOM. That veil isn’t shunned or thrown out, pushed away or ignored, it is integrated. Freedom means living from one’s WHOLE self, an integrated whole, free of the burden of who we are not that we have been conditioned to believe and accept.
For me, this journey has REQUIRED me to be honest, open and brave. Meeting face to face every illusion and false belief you have about yourself is not a cake walk! But, I began to slowly understand that thought is simply “phenomenon”. When it rises and when we then identify with thought, believe thought, BECOME thought, it is only because it is resonating in that moment with a deeper belief, a story, assumption, expectation or some sort of deeper illusionary concept of ourselves. This sacred journey I am on is about clearing out all of that, removing the veil that stops me from seeing what has always been there…my Divine Self.
So how does it work? What does this deep work of self discovery feel like, look like?
I can only speak for myself, even my husband has his own way of describing his experience of this process for himself. But, what I am meeting is all of the FALSE stories, assumptions, identities, images, expectations, ideas and concepts that I have entertained, believed to BE ME for as long as I can remember and which keep me from ME, the authentic ME, the FREE ME. It is as simple as looking. Each time I am triggered emotionally – I FEEL that emotion fully, that emotion of fear, rage, sadness, etc., that has NEVER BEEN TRULY FELT, never been welcomed in, included, look upon as a part of the team, a part of my wholeness. For me and for many of us, these “bad” or “negative” emotions had been locked up all nice and denied behind an image of a happy person, a together person, someone who functions decently in society, but there was a hidden current of unmet, unprocessed, unfelt emotion running through me that subtly impacted ALL THAT I DID, ALL THAT I WAS.
This process brings all of it to the surface. I know that sounds totally freaky! Why would I do such a thing?! Why would I want to feel all the stuff that would make me feel bad, stuff I had kept nice and tucked away for so long?! Stay with me because one of the biggest human misunderstandings is that our emotions are dangerous. They are NOT! They are just feelings and each one of our feelings MUST be felt with compassion and love. They are not meant to stay locked inside festering and growing like a tumor (literally or figuratively). They are meant as guideposts, pointers along the way. When we feel them FULLY, like really let them in, they loose their “umph” and their power over us fades, they can no longer cloud our mind and influence our actions. It is like an emotional massage…the relief when such emotions are felt and released is palatable. And it is the core of self love. Self love cannot exist without the integration of the WHOLE self, all of our emotions are a part of the whole.
But even though that feels good (ok, bad first and then good), I do not stop there. The next and natural step for me is to get to the core of the thought, the story, the belief. What is feeding the emotion, or rather what thought is the emotion linked to, keeping the emotion alive? Do you follow me? The emotions that haunt us have roots in the stories we tell ourselves, the stories we believe! The stories I found to be lying powerfully dormant in my conscious and subconscious minds were things like “I am not worthy”. That belief allowed me to believe that everyone was more important than me, more powerful, more deserving that me. That thought allowed me to be dominated, run over. The truth is that as my True Self, the concept of worth doesn’t even exist. At my very core, worth is a non-issue. I am beyond worthiness, beyond the mind, I am worth itself.
“I am ugly”. This came from childhood and has cut me off from embracing my wild, free and gorgeous female body, loving her tenderly and fully. My body is this sacred human expression of my divinity and I have begun to related to her as such – the gratitude for this body overwhelms me. I am beautiful!
“I do not deserve wealth, success, abundance, ease”. This came from an ancient allegiance to the patriarchy. With my amazing teacher, Ingerid’s help, I was able to see both spiritually and practically how I kept myself small over many lifetimes because of the belief that “I am merely woman and cannot join the big boys table and enjoy all the abundance of life”. It impacted my relationship with men, authority, bosses and kept me, obviously, small, mediocre and powerless. Seeing this insane truth that shockingly resonated to my core, the doors that were there cutting me off from my POWERFUL self have swung open and crashed in a million pieces, never to be closed again. I am beyond deserving. I am abundance!
“I am imperfect”. This belief fueled that urge to constantly evolve, it fueled my 20+ year long spiritual search. Believing that I was somehow broken and needed fixing before I could experience a joyful life and more subtly before I was worthy of true love, of God’s love. But the JOY was in realizing that I am already a perfect expression of the Divine, perfect in my imperfections, Divinely Human! Ingerid has shown me that the journey isn’t in becoming a perfectly spiritual person, it is in recognizing our spiritual identity first and then embracing our messy, divinely human lives. The next phase for human evolution is this conscious understanding that we are unique expressions of the Divine, in our very imperfect humanness.
I am lucky enough to have Ingerid in my life who has gifts to be able to see deep into my subconscious, present to me what she sees with a shocking resonance. But everyone can get to the root of these stories. They can come from childhood, past lives, any aspect of our life…the unconscious accumulation of the stories, concepts and ideas we have taken to be ourselves, but ultimately are not true. All that is required is openness and a willingness to look, from every angle, at the triggered situation, emotion and subsequent belief…asking yourself is this TRUE? Without a shadow of a doubt is this true? NONE of these bullshit thoughts or beliefs I wrote about above were TRUE for me! But it wasn’t like they all just disappeared after I saw the insanity of the belief. The emotions tied to them had to be felt again and again and layer after layer, I am being freed.
So as I meet each of of these illusions with GREAT tenderness and love, they take me to the truth of my being. And this is not an intellectual knowing, this isn’t something that I have been taught and accepted because it sounds good, but something I have have experienced. So who am I?
Let me explain with Gunnar’s experience of who he is (because it is the same as who I am) ->
Last week, Ingerid joined us in our home for two days of intensive Satsang. At one point on the first day, Ingerid was helping Gunnar go deep into feelings of unworthiness that fueled his people pleasing tendency. She took him deeper and deeper into the feeling, having him explain it at every step. “What does that feel like?” and “Tell me more…”.
He got down to what he called Nothingness. He said…”I am nothing”. He sat with that and she asked him to describe this “being nothing”. I was sure he was going to explore a hopeless energy of being identified with that nothingness, but instead he blew us away as he described it as wide, expansive, SAFE, loving, surrounding him and in him, free, abundant, powerful, tender, connected to a feeling of ONEness with all he was looking at. His mind was silent and he saw how THIS was his True Self, his real being. He looked incredulously and said “this is who I have always been…” This wasn’t just his truth, this was my truth too. And all three of us sat there silently basking in that glorious nothingness. This is how he described it…
“I didn’t take space any more – conscious, physical space…I didn’t demand space, I just merged with the elements surrounding me. A sort of disappearing. It was like movement happens…physical movement in the world, but from this nothingingness, there are no worries. I felt safe because I was a part of everything! When you remember you are nothing, you become everything!” – Gunnar
It may be hard for many to imagine this nothingness as a true identity, an exciting prospect! Most of us are deeply attached to all of the sources of identity outside of ourselves, the noise that covers up our true selves and just the thought of letting go sounds ridiculous. For us, all of these “false gods” so to speak (because they have been worshipped!) or false identities are falling away. This glorious emptiness is so FULL!!! By meeting all of the “conditions” that we have been carrying around squarely in the face, feeling the unmet emotions, questioning the illusions, the stories, we are clearing the space within us to that life can flow. We experience the release of fear and the rush of Truth!!! Each day we offer ourselves up to LIFE ITSELF, to our messy, imperfect lives, to making mistakes, to true communication, to unconditional love, to authenticity in ourselves, to meeting, with LOVE, what hurts, what scares us and merging with the flow of aliveness, of existence. This nothingness is LIFE ITSELF! I AM LIFE ITSELF! I am alive and it is radically beautiful!
From FREEDOM, from this merging into LIFE ITSELF individually in our own ways, Gunnar and I are beginning to experience what a “relationship”, a marriage feels like from there. What do you think it feels like? I never knew what true love was until now…will write more about this next week!