Falling in LOVE with ALL OF ME.
This means a moment to moment opening, receptivity to my ALIVENESS as what is. An acknowledgment of what is to be sacred. An acknowledgment that what is to be me. Yes, in it’s entirety. No matter what is, it is Me. It is included. An acknowledgment that what is is LOVE at its core. That there is no death, no threat, nothing that can hurt me or destroy me. But that all that I experience is here for me. That I am held IN LOVE and am LOVE. Eternal. What I have experienced in my life, the forgetting of who I AM and this gapping hole within me that was filled with illusions, conditioned, hollow replacements for True Love, beliefs that disempowered me, disconnected me from Home, from the Truth of who I AM. All if it is sacred. Every single moment, morsel of pain is holy.
I have not loved me. And that too was perfect. The experience of falling in love with myself is beyond words! In order to experience this True Love, I had to be lost in the world of “love replacements”, trading heaven for a peanut each time. It was utter perfection, played out to a tee. A mixture of giggles and tears of joy spring from my body just thinking about it!
I have stood in this body for 45 years expecting some grand magical gesture to come to me from outside of myself, expressing an other-worldly kind of love. A kind of love that I thought would “save” me. Believing in my weakness, my wrongness, my separation from love, abundance, goodness, bliss. I thought I needed this love to confirm my very existence! How funny to think I needed someone to confirm my right to take up space on this earth. When my very beating heart, the warm breath escaping my nose this very minute is proof of my identity as Life Itself. To think I gave that much power to the world and never recognized the power that lay always within me.
What is that power? It is the Light of Love.
It is funny that True Love has nothing to do with anyone else but me! Understanding that means understanding that learning to LOVE MYSELF is a loving act of will. Because we all learn how NOT to love ourselves! I got good at that, habitualized that. So it requires me to change. To move from using my will to stay fed by others, to feed others emotionally and to stay constantly disempowered and victimized by the world or to BREATH IN and surrender to my identity as Love, Life, God. It requires me to focus on inclusion rather than exclusion.
TODAY, Soak in, Breathe In What Is Real. Only What is Real. All Of It! Feel For Once In Your Life, The Crispy Freshness, Your Raw Nature if Allowed will shake off The Dull Dust of Your Old Spirituality. Can You Live without It All, and Just Feel You. Be Fearlessly Authentic. You Are Love It Self All Else Is The Beloved. – Ingerid Esme Ferrer Ezhno
I have feared since childhood the spending of money. The fear has gotten more and more intense as I got older until this time in my life where I am nearly paralyzed with fear each time I spend money. This fear is not just the fear of not having enough, but the fear of the fear of not having enough! So there is deep judgment in it. Judgment that I am somehow wrong for being afraid, that my fear is dangerous somehow, threatening. I hate this fear. Every time it comes up I freeze in terror and think “not you again!!” It does not matter how much money I even have in my bank account, I could have millions and still feel this terror.
But what is this fear exactly? What is my mind truly afraid of and wants so desperately for my entire body to invest in? It is the fear of being unprotected, the belief of being unsupported, unloved, not worthy enough to be cared for, supported, provided for. It is the belief that money is my ultimate protector. It’s root is a deep feeling of unworthiness and smallness. It is the fear of FREEDOM, of spontaneity, of authenticity, of desire, of abundance, of the unknown, of God, of my power. It is also the fear of the collapse of an image, the safety that being a “somebody with money” brings me. The fear of being a nobody, a nothing. The fear of destruction, of poverty, annihilation, of death. Oh GOD! These fears MUST make me an inferior human being!! I must be bad/wrong/worthless/powerless just by simply feeling these things!!
But wait…what if all of this was so exquisitely human? Instead of judging these fears and thoughts and beliefs, I held them in the deepest compassion?
Soak in, Breathe In What Is Real. Only What is Real. All Of It! Feel For Once In Your Life…
What is REAL then? What is TRUE? There is no God standing in judgment of me, no external jury waiting to slam down the gavel and sentence me to a life of destitution and loneliness JUST BECAUSE I feel the pain and suffering of being human, of belieivng in my separation from Love? NO! What is REAL and TRUE is that right here, in this moment, there is an invitation to fall deeper in love with me. With my humanity. Loving myself the way I would love a child, an innocent, deeply sensitive child that just FEELS authentically and vulnerability and naturally the entire range of human emotions. There is such a beauty and a bliss in this compassion. It feels like the very seat of existence is in my body…my chest, my heart feels as wide as the Universe, as inclusive as the ocean. I was never wrong, I simply did not know who I was as this wide, open, receptive, compassionate space for my entire humanness to be held, to unfold, to be loved and to evolve. This isn’t even about money! My fear of money was never about money. It was a doorway that is leading me to True Love. To knowing myself as All There Is.
I choose now to use my will (choice) to surrender to the Love that I AM instead of using it to keep me separate from that Love. I know too much, have felt too much not to stand in this authenticity. This clarity and strength of will is here naturally and yet is a byproduct of the burning off of who I am not, the two years I have spent in the process of Self Discovery with my teacher. I no longer feel like a passive victim in my life. I can see now that there is no fear greater than this Love, no mask or image, expectation or relationship that matters more than this Love. There is no “reality” that diminishes or hides this LOVE now. The absolute JOY that happens then is that I am finally seeing HOW TO LOVE OTHERS! My love and compassion for myself spills out into the world, my heart stays open more and more, receptive, accepting, wise, strong, connected to the I AM within me. That is how I will love the world. By deeply loving myself first. That is true abundance.
To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don’t wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now. – Alan Cohen
All quotes used in this post are taken from the Facebook profile of Ingerid Esme Ferrer Ezhno. I highly recommend following her for words of inspiration that will touch your soul.
photo: drawing my smallest child did at 7 years old.