What Do I Want Most of All?

December 2, 2017

I am at a cross road where I am asking myself what do I want more security or freedom? Do I value TRUTH, what is REAL over FEAR of not surviving? I know what I want more than anything else and  it is time to go deep enough inside myself to find the part of me that wants what is, TRUTH, FREEDOM more than it wants to be secure, comfortable, more than I want to be safe.

For the mind this is a real choice, for the Self that knows, I can hear a giggle because it knows that real security IS freedom….

I spend so much time and effort trying to stay afloat, treding water at breakneck speed, believing in my ability to control, to manipulate, to STAY ALIVE, of course aliveness is not the issue. Choosing freedom, in a way “dying” to a life that believed in separation, in survival, in manipulation has nothing to do with the physical body dying, only the story, I get that intellectually. But the body still feels a great threat. I think it comes from the fact that to evolve spiritually in my past lifetimes, I had to die. Physically. This is the same for all of us. We are here, all of us, in each life, to grow spiritually, to self actualize, but to “take it to the next level” we have had to die and come back anew. In this life, in this time of expanding consciousness, we don’t have to die to grow and expand fully as a Divine Human!! Such good news!! Such an exciting time to be alive. But the body’s programing, it’s instincts that as we approach freedom (the release of the mind-self) we must die, sends me into somewhat of a mentally constructed panic.

Each day, each moment, as I approach the unknown, uncertainty, life itself, the realization that they way I have been living and “staying alive” is meaningless and only serves to keep me rooted in fear, gets challenged. The panic rises when I approach the threshold of the unknown…when my facilities to maneuver life meet the reality of it’s futility. And yet I cling. Habitually. With a strong will that has chosen time and time again security over freedom. I spin. I chase my tail, peace elludes me.

But here I am on this Saturday morning, all tucked in my bed with a yummy cup of coffee and my puppy by my side. There is no fear. No risk I should say of any catastrophe, any threat to my being. I am blessed beyond blessed to be honest. My ACTUAL reality is showing me how safe I am every day and especially in this moment. But I allow the panic to be here. It is ok. I understand where this comes from and I give this emotion full permission to BE HERE, with me and my puppy right now. BREATHING…

I am at a cross road you see. I can continue spinning my wheels, being triggered more and more as the energy of our shifting comsos rains down on me, it will only get worse, my panic, my fear, my clinging to control. Or do I stand in the greatest act of courage, use my strong will for LOVE and say YES to it all?

YES to not knowing
YES to not being in control of my life at all
YES to uncertainty
YES to the unknown
YES to the feeling of being unprotected
YES to the feeling of being exposed and vulnerable
YES to death

I am being asked to say YES to this every moment of everyday. Do you feel it too? Do you feel the pressure of LOVE asking you to relinquish the reins of your life? When I include all of this, there is a shift in me. A widening, a peace.

When the striving, yearning, desperate, needy small self is allowed to be, fully, in her woundedness, her sorrow, her anger, when that part of me is allowed with no more judgment to BE HERE and that gaping hole within me begins to fill with the LOVE of self that I have yearned for for so long, which happens in an instant by the way…I can sense the FREEDOM that I am.

What is FREEDOM? Who am I then?

Untethered. Life itself in a body, this body. Unincumbered waves of delicious humanness constantly moving, changing but all in this vast, open, boundlessness space. I seem to be all of it, the space and the movement. There is JOY beyond description in the background (and foreground) that literally allows even the darkest emotion to be held. To be angry, sad, afraid AND joyful at the same time!! What bliss. Freedom feels SAFE. Freedom is safety beyond the concept of safety. There is not even this idea in freedom, in who I REALLY am. I AM ALL THERE IS, I AM LIFE ITSELF. And the realization that I have been this all the time. Never a moment I was not this. From here, there is no need to change a single thing. No urge to move away from this NOWness. There is nothing I lack here. There is a playfulness, a spontaneity a trust in this moment bringing everything I need to THRIVE, to enjoy my life! Oh my GOD, there is just a focus on enjoying my life here!!! Pleasure and a childlike sensory extravaganza! Ha!! Like “what can I explore today?!” Even the “negative” stuff, the darker side of humanity…what is that from here? There is a deliciousness here for that as well. It just feels different, thicker, slower, but beautiful none the less! There is no story here to tell me it is bad, wrong, shouldn’t be here. No urge to escape from this. It just IS and it is yummy somehow… The fear of dying, of being powerless…this just feels tired now. It feels so worn out…it moves so slow, crawling, stopping….and that is held in utter tenderness. It has served such a holy purpose, this “somebody”, this separate small self that worked so hard to keep me afloat believing in its mission! Compassion is here throughout my entire being. Even desire is a thrill because it is no longer wanting something I don’t have, but instead a celebration of what I am already. The desire for luxury and abundance is just an excited YES to being more ME! Desire is just a celebration in expansion!!! Standing, being the FREEDOM that I am I feel such compassion for myself, am in love with my humanity and feel the same for the world. For those who wish to control me, to dominate me, to pull me back into compliance, I understand you! I am you too! But there is no “me” to control, there is no compliance in FREEDOM because there is no “self” to comply.  There is nothing but LOVE and an intensely gorgeous expression of LIFE moving through me, as me, in all aspects of my life. From here there is POWER unlike anything I have ever felt. A trust in myself, a belief in myself as THE NOW. Knowing that all I need is right here, right now, assessable only in the NOW. Here, I collaborate with life, a dance of love and light. Here I KNOW, where before I only yearned to know. The illusion of ignorance is gone and yet the only knowing is right here, right now. There is no desire to know the future, my focus is here, now, the LIFE that is here, the ONENESS that feels like Home. Trust is the surrender to Life happening now. Trust is falling in love with the here and now so fully and completely that “I” disappear. Trust is knowing that I AM GOD.

HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME LIFE! I choose Life without “me” over the rigid smallness of a “me” searching for safety. I choose LIFE over death. And “I” die for FREEDOM.

I write about facing emotional pain and the absolute grace that comes from embracing it all and I do just this in many of these articles…face and process emotional pain real time for myself and for you. I believe that every single ounce of suffering we experience as humans is sacred and when met and embraced, it leads us into greater expansion, understanding of ourselves and our capacity to love and live as the FREEDOM we are.




photo: me and my tree

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