I wanted to attempt to in a way see the process I have been in for the last month. I do so because the human journey of awakening fascinates me and my own process of going deep into sadness, fear and anger (all the way to the bottom no matter how painful it is) excites me with the inevitable movement, shifts and utter liberation from the mind prison that I experience. Layer upon layer gets exposed, lifted and integrated and more and more of the FREEDOM that I am gets revealed. It truly is the most delicious aspect of life as I know it.
I wrote in my last post about the sadness that I seem to feel every morning when I wake up. I wanted to really embrace that, get curious about where that was coming from and lord did it open up a can of worms in me! I moved INTENSELY through that sadness, dropping into depression and grief, then into mind boggling anger and then well, OUT the other side. This morning I had the most amazing SEEING I have ever had…could not have been close to understanding what I now understand without this sacred process…
The sadness upon allowing it fully to be with me, took me into a deep feeling of not being enough. Never being enough. Not ever having enough. I allowed the not enough-ness to be here and I remembered a time in my life at around 7 years old. We had just moved into our new house in Georgia and I was over the moon. It was beyond exciting that this big, beautiful house was ours! I had my own room and everything was fresh and new…even the neighborhood had just been born with muddy lots and half constructed homes….I was just overwhelmed with the newness and the abundance. That same summer, our family in Minnesota invited us up to spend some weeks in their new, gorgeous, luxurious cabin by the lake. After the move, we didn’t have the money to make the trip, so my mother’s cousin bought us all tickets! This again, filled me with such JOY and gratitude even at 7 years old! How blessed we were! How wonderful to be loved by people to such a deep level that they would be that generous.
At this point, these situations only amplified what I truly believed about life, that life was supportive, abundant, spontaneous, joyful and celebratory. But it was my mother’s reaction to this abundance that changed everything. She was enraged. It shocked me to the core. I remember feeling her anger in the face of such abundance and was so confused. What could bring such rage out in her when Life was giving us so much? It is only now that I have the distance and clarity to understand. In that moment I learned from my mother that her image of being wealthy, successful, abundant, self-sufficient was deeply threatened. That maintaining that image was more important that trusting Life itself with its spontaneous gifts. It was her survival skill, she was not taught to trust Life, I understand that! But, from a child’s mind, it ingrained in me a deep need to control life because I could not trust Life even when it never stopped providing for me, because in that moment, I stopped seeing and feeling myself supported and connected by Life itself. I needed Life to sustain the image I was responsible for upholding! It birthed in me a deep arrogance that said I knew more, was more powerful than Life itself. Ultimately however, underneath the false power was a deep feeling of being not enough, that Life was not enough, that there was never enough for me in Life, even when Life never stopped providing. It bred in me a deep belief that I had to struggle to survive. For love, for money, for approval, for safety, for success, for validation, for belonging. No matter what I ever did, I could NEVER reach a place of peace in my life because I was unconsciously separated from Life itself. The sadness I felt every morning was just this visceral hopelessness…
The depression and grief that came after was the deep identification with victimhood. Oh what a familiar place this has been for me! This feeling of being so completely cut off from my own power, but more than that I started to realize that it was a deep deep feeling of being unloved. That the feeling of “not enoughness” separated me from True Love, from mySelf in essence, from Life itself! Throughout my life I found myself attempting to “GET LOVE”, or find my way back to the SAFETY of mySelf, in two main ways.
The first was through compliance. To be what others wanted me to be, to meet family standards, expectations in relationships. It also extended into being the one that carried the burden of other’s pain by being a willing participant in upholding masks and images that deflected pain both in myself and pain that actually belonged to others. It implied that my life, my freedom was less important that the family image or the marital image or the image of being a joyful mother. Like my mother, I had my own images that I held more dear than Life Itself. Even the compliance with society’s expectations of me…to smile, to be friendly, to be polite, gracious, people pleasing, to be a woman that was beautiful…all the myriad of ways that I was taught that I OWED something of myself to others. I willingly (but subconsciously) lost connection to my individuality, my essence, my freedom in the pursuit of safety. In the pursuit of covering up the deep sadness of not being enough. But of course it never worked. Nor was it supposed to!
The second way I tried to GET LOVE was when the first failed miserably…when I saw that no matter how much I complied, no matter how loyal and invested in what other’s expected of me, I never got what I was searching for. ANGER was born from this feeling of being denied what was rightfully mine…Love. The realization on a deep level that I had offered my entire self to others for love. I felt the glorification of that act, the righteous burning of rage, the need to win, to be superior, to somehow GET LOVE now through the proving of myself and my untouchability. Maybe that would make them love me, maybe that would help me find my way back to the JOY, LOVE and ABUNDANCE, the support of LIFE itself. I thought that I had to find it through other people, through the games and the drama of human life. Yes! That was part of it, but the significance of that was to show me what DID NOT WORK. Because it NEVER worked. No matter how I tried to manipulate myself and others, and Life itself, I never GOT LOVE. I don’t mean love as in belonging or safety, but the LOVE I was yearning for was the UNIFICATION with LIFE ITSELF, with my True Self as Love Itself.
I woke up this morning after having posted, in an amazing Facebook group, something really vulnerable. I was looking for comments, likes, I was looking for LOVE. And it hit me like a brick and something my teacher, Ingerid had pointed out to me some weeks back…she said “You were never given permission to be yourself”. My life force required me to get angry at the expectation of conformity and I certainly rebelled and attempted a life of my own design, but my heart was still deeply entrenched in the link of my very existence with that of others. That without others, I would die. The essence of co-dependency. I have never just BEEN ME without the need of some sort of external validation, the searching for some “permission” that I am good, I am enough, I am loved. Whether that is from family or total strangers. The utter addiction of “being somebody”.
So this GORGEOUS question sits on my tongue this morning like pop rocks or the bubbles of the finest champagne…what is it like to be me, connected with the very source of my existence, Life Itself, with absolutely no need whatsoever for validation? It is almost too delicious to describe. Like a bird taking flight, carried by the breeze. Like a child caught in the timelessness of imagination and play. Like color and texture splashed on a canvas by an artist. Like impulsivity and the spontaneity and humor of Life itself. Like the sensuality of beauty, touch, smell and the sent of nature. Like the abundance and profusion of Life’s constant gifts. Like the LOVE that is here always, that has been here even when I thought it was not, that fills me up and supports my very physical self.
Because who I am NOT is fanning its final flames. I have deep love and appreciation for all things and people that have played their part in helping me live a life of perceived separation. Without it, without them, I could never have dreamed a life so full, an existence of such bliss.